Love and Payne Read online

  After getting dizzy, he’d landed in Zach’s lap, and the fight had gone out of him. Zach had been so big and warm. Austen should have been scared shitless of the huge bear Therian, but he hadn’t been. The drugs had started to mess with his head, and Austen did something he would have never done if he hadn’t been out of it. He stayed in Zach’s arms. At some point he fell asleep.

  Austen felt himself trembling, his entire body racked with shivers. Everything around him went dark, and it all came crashing back as if it were yesterday. He’d had a nightmare while in Zach’s arms. One he thought he’d buried long ago, but it resurfaced with a vengeance.

  It was so dark, and he was so scared. Everything hurt, and he knew it would only be worse if he ran away, but he couldn’t help it. He was as weak as his father said he was. It wasn’t like he wanted to be weak or so small. He wrapped his arms tightly around his bruised and bloodied knees and pressed his mouth to one knee so his father wouldn’t hear him crying. His cheeks were soaked with tears, and it was hard to breathe.

  “Where the fuck are you, you ungrateful little shit? Get out here! Now!”

  Austen bit down hard on his bottom lip to keep back the whimper. It was his seventh birthday. He’d only asked for a cupcake. One of the boys at school had one in his lunchbox because it was his birthday. It had been so pretty—blue frosting with colored sprinkles. Why was his dad so mad? He shouldn’t have asked. His dad always got mad when he asked for something, but sometimes he needed to ask because his shoes were broke or his notebook was full. He shouldn’t have asked for the cupcake. He was so stupid. Please, please, please go away.

  The door to the closet was torn open, and Austen screamed. “No, please, Daddy! I’m sorry!”

  His dad grabbed a fistful of his hair, jerked him out of the closet, and threw him into the wall. He hit hard and yelped at the pain that went through his arm. It was still sore from last week.

  “I feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head, and that’s not enough?”

  It would be if it were the truth. The school provided him with lunch, the only real food he ate. His dad ate at the diner every day because his mom never cooked and was hardly around. When she was, she acted like Austen didn’t exist. Why didn’t she want him? Anytime he tried to get close to her, or hug her, she pushed him away and yelled at him. Sometimes she cried and told him she hated him, that he’d ruined her life. Sometimes she called him a freak and asked him why he couldn’t be a normal little boy. Austen never understood. Wasn’t he normal? He looked like other little boys. It was just his eyes that were different.

  The kick to his stomach had him crying out. He curled up on himself, sobbing and begging.

  “You weak, pathetic piece of shit. After everything I’ve given you? That’s why no one wants you! Why no one will ever love you! You’re a freak. A filthy animal.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Austen cried over and over, rolling up in a tight ball as his father hit him and punched him. His dad’s fist split his cheek, and Austen saw stars. His head hit hard against the floor, and he gasped for air, but only choked instead. He turned his head with a cough, blood splattering on his father’s shirt. That really made his dad mad. Austen screamed in his head, begged for someone to help him, anyone, but no one came. He wished he wasn’t so weak. That he could fight back. But his dad was so much bigger, stronger. Austen was all alone and helpless. The pain kept coming until he was numb. Maybe this time he would die, and the pain would stop. Please make it stop.

  “Austen, it’s okay. You’re okay. Wake up. Please, wake up.”

  The voice was sweet, low and gravelly, but tender. Austen felt strong arms around him, and he gasped. No, not again. He struggled against the hard body against him, but something was different.

  “Austen, listen to my voice. It’s Zach. You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”

  Everything was foggy, and he was so dizzy. The room was dark, smelled faintly of blood, and his whole body hurt. The Coalition, Sloane… Zach. Big, strong, quiet Zach, who promised to keep him safe. And he could, couldn’t he? He wasn’t like the others. Austen rolled toward the warm body, and he pressed himself against the broad chest, his fingers grabbing fistfuls of Zach’s shirt in desperation, as if he were trying to burrow inside Zach.

  “I need you. Don’t let me go,” Austen pleaded through his broken sob. “Whatever happens, don’t let me go.”

  “I won’t,” Zach promised.

  “Say it!”

  “I promise,” Zach said softly. “I won’t ever let you go.”

  The nightmare was fresh on his mind, and the tears continued to flow despite how numb he felt. He didn’t want to be weak or vulnerable, but he couldn’t control his body. His head was a mess.

  “I won’t let you go.”

  THE WORLD came crashing back, and Austen blinked. It took him a moment to realize where he was. His whole body was shaking as he held on to Zach for dear life while Zach murmured softly at him. Zach’s cheek rested against Austen’s head as he ran a hand soothingly over Austen’s back, rocking him gently while Austen tried to make sense of everything. His heart was going to explode, or at least it felt like it. Then he let go. The pain washed over him, and Austen grieved for the little boy he’d once been. To accept that none of it had been his fault. He’d been dealt a shitty hand, and his parents had been the monsters, not him. They deserved to rot in hell for what they’d done to him. What he did now, who he was, that was the path he’d chosen. He was no longer weak, scared, or helpless.

  Austen clutched on to Zach, his fingers grabbing fistfuls of Zach’s T-shirt to keep Zach from going anywhere, and to keep himself from sinking to the floor. “Why are you so good to me?”

  “Because I love you.”

  Austen’s head shot up, and he pulled away enough to stare into Zach’s tear-filled eyes. He was so beautiful, so kind and gentle. How was it possible?

  “That can’t be true,” Austen whispered.

  Zach smiled, his eyes filled with so much love and adoration it hurt. “It is. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. I love you, Austen, and I want to be there for you. I want to be the one you need.”

  Austen’s instinct had him opening his mouth to say he didn’t need anyone, but that was bullshit, and he knew it. The world he lived in was terrifying. It was filled with so much ugly, so much anger and hate. He needed something to believe in. Needed to know there was good out there. All this time, he’d been searching, and it had been right in front of him—everything he needed in one man.

  “I do need you,” Austen said, the words so quiet they were barely audible, but Zach heard him. A tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. Austen caught it with his thumb, wiping it away. “But keeping you for myself would be selfish. I’m not a good man, Z.”

  Zach opened his mouth to protest, but Austen put his fingers to Zach’s lips.

  “I’m not. I’m a spy. I’m sent all over the world to gather information that will be used against people, governments, sometimes to hurt, sometimes to blackmail. I’ve killed people, Z. I have so much blood on my hands, the stain will never wash off. I lie and steal. I use sex, people, whatever it takes to complete my mission. The worst part? I don’t lose any sleep over it. Good men can’t do what I do.”

  “Everything you do, you do for your country, for Therians. To keep them safe.”

  “And that justifies the crimes I’ve committed? Because make no mistake, Z, they’re crimes. Every time I put a bullet in someone, every time I set someone up to take the fall for something they didn’t do, when I make someone disappear or plant evidence. I’ve spent years doing the very things you and your brothers risk your lives to seek justice for.”

  “Were any of them innocent?”

  “Innocence doesn’t exist in this world. Only those not guilty.”

  Zach swallowed hard. He averted his gaze and nodded.

  “See? How can we possibly have a future together? How is that going to work? You’re going to
go home after a long day of fighting crime on the streets, make dinner, and watch TV, knowing I’m somewhere across the world making someone bleed? Knowing there will be parts of me that you’ll never know about? That I’ll be keeping secrets from you?”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way.”

  Austen’s heart splintered, but he had to do what was right for Zach, because that was what people did when they loved someone. No matter how much it hurt, you put them first. “I’m sorry, Z, but this isn’t a fairy tale. Love doesn’t conquer all. You loving me is more than I ever thought possible, but I can’t give you the happily ever after you deserve. Giving you half of myself isn’t fair to you or us.”

  “Does it mean that much to you?”

  Austen blinked at him. “What?”

  “Doing what you do,” Zach said softly, his hand covering Austen’s. “Working for them. Would working for the THIRDS not be enough?”

  The question caught Austen completely off guard. Was what he did for TIN worth giving up Zach? Worth giving up a lifetime with Zach? Because he had no doubt that if he said he was out, Zach would hold on to him and never let him go. Would working for the THIRDS as an SSA be enough after years of being a TIN operative? Could he give up flying around the world, helping bring down corrupt governments, and taking the lives of monsters who made his father look like a saint?

  A knock startled them, and Colin poked his head in. “I’m sorry to interrupt. One of Barlow’s lawyers is here. Apparently Barlow is in one of the cabins just south of here, hoping to speak with Zach. He’s heading to DC tonight for an important meeting on Therian legislation and wants to talk about what he can do to help ease the rift between Humans and Therians.”

  Zach frowned at that. “How did they know where we are? That information hasn’t been released to the public.”

  “It hasn’t, but with Barlow’s connections, it wouldn’t be difficult for someone to do a search of your family’s properties and then check to see if you’re at any of them. Anyone could make the connection.” Austen moved away from Zach and headed for the door, addressing Colin. “Who else came with Barlow?”

  “He sent his lawyer and some of his men out first to talk and make sure the area was secure before he meets up with Zach. As you can imagine, the guy’s a little paranoid about his protection at the moment.”

  “Which lawyer?” Austen asked as he and Zach followed Colin to the stairs.

  “Kerner.”

  “Great. I’ll bet Kerner’s over the moon about that. I’m surprised he’s still representing Barlow.”

  Colin chuckled. “Well, he certainly isn’t thrilled about being here, but he’s behaving himself. Rumor has it Barlow’s not too happy with him after Kerner’s anti-Therian media outburst after the incident. My guess is Kerner’s not going to be around Barlow much longer.”

  “If Barlow’s a smart man, he’ll get rid of that asshole.”

  Just before they reached the bottom of the stairs, Zach took hold of Austen’s wrist, pulling him to a stop.

  “Think about what I said. Please.”

  Austen let out a heavy sigh. “Okay, but no promises, Z.”

  “In other words, don’t get my hopes up,” Zach replied, his voice so quiet Austen wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t standing right in front of him and had Therian hearing. Austen didn’t reply. What could he say?

  Kerner was in the living room on the sofa talking to Gavin. When he saw them, he stood, a fake smile plastered on his face. He nodded his greetings to Austen before holding his hand out to Zach.

  “Thank you, Agent Zachary, for meeting with me. You have a lovely family.”

  “Thank you,” Zach replied, a polite smile on his face.

  “Is there somewhere we can talk in private?”

  “You can talk to me first.”

  Kerner’s brows shot up, and he turned to Austen with a frown. “And you are?”

  “Austen Payne. I’m providing Agent Zachary with his security detail. I have a few things I’d like to discuss with you before we get to talking about Mr. Barlow meeting with Agent Zachary.”

  “Of course. How about we take a little walk around the property? This place is stunning. I’ve been dying for a tour since we drove up. I’d love to see more of the scenery.”

  “Sure.” Austen patted Zach’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”

  Zach nodded, and Austen could tell he didn’t want to leave Austen’s side, but Austen needed to speak frankly with Kerner, and he didn’t want Zach’s politeness to get in the way.

  They got wrapped up and headed out. It was cold as hell, but the sun was shining bright, which helped. Austen showed Kerner around, following the guy as he wandered through the snow-covered gardens behind the main house.

  “My apologies for all the cloak-and-dagger nonsense,” Kerner said as he stopped to take in the trees and the mountains in the distance. “The press has been hounding Aaron since the incident.” He let out a heavy sigh. “We’d hoped things would have died down by now, especially with Aaron publicly thanking Agent Zachary, but it seems to have added fuel to the fire.”

  “You helped with some of that fuel.”

  “This incident has been upsetting, and admittedly, we’ve all been a little tense. It was a very close call that day. I was standing next to Aaron when it happened. The killers could have easily gone through me to get to him. I know it’s selfish, but when your life flashes before your eyes, it’s difficult to think of much else except surviving.”

  “Understandable.”

  “Aaron really is grateful for what Agent Zachary did.”

  This was what Austen had been waiting for. “It doesn’t change the fact that if you and Barlow had listened to the THIRDS agents in the first place, this could have been avoided. Zach could have been killed. Maisy could have been killed, not to mention Barlow himself. If he wants to start changing things and work with Zach, or the PR department, then his next visit to THIRDS HQ is going to go very differently. He’s going to listen to the agents trying to keep him safe.”

  Kerner nodded. “You’re right, and I’ll see it happens. Aaron is serious about making changes. He’s dropping his anti-Therian campaign.”

  “That so?” Austen couldn’t help being skeptical. Barlow had been promoting an anti-Therian campaign for months.

  “Yes. Seeing firsthand what the THIRDS is capable of, the kind of Therians who sacrifice themselves to keep everyone in this city safe, it’s made him reassess himself.” Kerner smiled before it fell away. “Sadly, I can’t have that.”

  “Excuse me?” Austen was confused when Kerner’s eyes turned hard, and suddenly it made sense.

  “You.”

  There was no Therian extremist group. Only Kerner.

  CHAPTER 13

  “YOU SON of a bitch!”

  Austen reached into his pocket for his gun, but Kerner’s next words stopped him in his tracks.

  “I know who you work for. Who you really work for.”

  “That’s not possible.” The identity of TIN operatives was classified information and fiercely guarded by TIN. Only the higher-ups from TIN had access, along with a handful of high-ranking military officials from the Human intelligence agencies, but even the latter had restricted access. Human intelligence agencies had been after the operative information for years, but TIN refused. There wasn’t much interagency love between TIN and a certain Human intelligence agency.

  Kerner looked too smug for his own good. What the hell was the guy up to?

  “When I was informed the two trained killers I sent after Agent Zach failed to do their jobs and then vanished without a trace, I suspected TIN was involved. With you and your associate there, my gut told me you were more than a THIRDS SSA. Then you took Agent Zach under your protection and moved him from the hospital. I reached out to my connections in the Human intelligence community, and my suspicions were confirmed.”

  “Bullshit,” Austen said with a harsh laugh. “You’re a fucking lawyer. You don’
t have access to that kind of information.”

  “I’m a lawyer who once worked for the most powerful Humans in the US government.”

  “Who kicked you out,” Austen reminded him.

  Kerner shrugged. “Doesn’t mean the connections didn’t remain.” His grin widened. “Oh, Austen. You really have no idea, do you?”

  Austen should be taking this guy out, but something about the man’s arrogance sent a chill through him. If Kerner was willing to talk, Austen needed to listen. Sparks had been right. They were dealing with something much bigger than they originally believed.

  “You’re right, I was kicked out, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Those fools couldn’t see they were bringing about their own extinction. Allowing Therians to be in positions of power, putting weapons in their hands, giving them rights, protecting them. It was disgusting. I set out to find Humans who weren’t weak. Who wanted to preserve our species as much as I did, and I recruited them to my cause. Together we’ve been strategically placing certain Humans in power, and that included Aaron Barlow.” The hate and revulsion rolled off Kerner in waves. “I have been grooming Aaron for years, using both of our connections to political figures, military personnel, and Human intelligence agencies to advance my movement and recruit new members. We had plans for Aaron. Plans to put him in the White House, and after the tragic loss of his little girl at the hands of vile Therians, he would have been primed to be our greatest weapon.”

  Austen was stunned. “Committing treason wasn’t enough, so you planned to murder a child to further your agenda?” And he was supposed to be the monster?

  “Yes,” Kerner spat out. “Until Agent Zach interfered. Years of hard work and planning gone.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that.”